i want to google you
with google indexing the things in your head
to find all the things
you think about.
but most of all,
i want to go to google image search
and search for you.
and just be
covered in your face
the way it happens, awful, with memes
and business stock photos,
but instead it will be the color of your skin that pushes at me so forcefully
pungently and i will see
ugly 🌏 pretty 🌏 baby 🌏 happy 🌏
mostly depressed 🌏
its not depression but we never know what to call it
if i scroll far enough, maybe i can find all your selfies,
i know youve taken some amount.
i will find the pictures of you from high school
i will say things to each face after i have already scrolled past it
because i am afraid to say it to you the person
i am afraid to
to say it to the images of you.

but the reality is that no images of you come up.
you know, i can’t even find pictures of people when i type your name in.
or i guess, copy the chinese characters for your name and paste into the search bar. no keyboard involved.

you’re lucky theres no data i can find on you, aren’t you?
or are you? thats where the understanding comes. right?

instead it comes up with images of the earth
and bizarre thigns
it honestly makes me love you more
throuhg each thing, how you told me multiple characters,different meanings, share sounds together in chinese.
you are the same sound with a different meaning, and each one of these images is of you
because youre not just a human
its beautiful
google knows it
it’s telling me but i can only undertand bits and pieces
“i lvoe you, you know?
i dont know”
im not sure of anything, thats what google is for i guess,
but i like to say it
it sounds like how i feel when i hold you
saying that makes me want to cry

why cant my mouse caress me the way i caress it?
why cant you carress me the way i caress you? its hard
im listening to tune ayrds on spotify.

ahve you listend to them yet? you have a subscription. i will amke you one day listen. i swear.
when i slapped you, it was because i wanted you to be physically intimate iwth me
tune yeards is from oakland, if that makes u like them more.
if i take you to san fransisco will you fall back i nlove with that man i dont rmemeber the name of/?
its okay if you do,
i say that but i dont mean it, but i want to
i wish i could take you to san fransisco
its okay fi you fall in love ith him, but will you fall out of love with me?
have you already?
why am i tryinh?
should i stop trying to get you to love me? do i need to try? or am i afraid? am i trying?
is it shame you feel? slash embarasment? or are you trying to protect your first self from me?

is that why i cant find picyures of you online? did you make sure thoroughly to delete your traces? start fresh? no wonder youre lonely. do you ahve a second self? are u currently in larvae stages>??

how obscure are you.

it made me so happy when you were pleasantly surprised that i learned to write your name.
that feel from your feeling made me feel pathetic. i felt immature and selfish. and obsessed with you.
you wont come back.
i keep your memory alive in me tapping refresh on your page
im glad you stopped posting photo on instagram
i dont have to think about how u are still alive anymore., although i stil check it.
now you are just a fiction in my head, unsad when reality doesnt produce you.
googling chinese thigns all day.
people are going to think im fetisihinzing asian cultures
and i blame it on you
i wont say the words “its your fault” thats just so accusatory and rude and guilting,
i like it because it has “you” in it though. but ti still doenst bring you up insearch results.
does that mean its not your fault?
i mean, i should be able to control myself
should i,? i would like to thiknk u like when i cant, sometimes.
]when i slapped you, it was because i wanted to be physcially intinate with you . im sorry.
do you think i do too much to you? is that why you insisted on ucking me?
i could keep going forver like this,
it feels good for me,
i imagine conversations in my ehad all the time anyways
if i type them out,
maybe they will create search engine visibility.
bring up more relevant results
related to you